Sunken

I think I might just start each of these torn pages (from that journal in my head) with "Ebb and flow..." After an incredible period of deep searching and quiet fulfillment in the last few days, and an incredible healing experience, my heart feels low low low. I feel washed up (now I get where the cliche once got its meaning). And then I breathe and sink my feet into the ground. This is truly a trust walk; I feel on the line.

After days of contemplating how to integrate my clairsentience into my livelihood, and really into my life, I began uncovering deeper questions. This initiated a process of transformation. I am finally beginning to take this skill seriously. This includes not constantly feeling at the effect of other people's emotional energy. My boundaries solidified. This, of course, is something I have been working with a long time, especially in my DV and crisis work. This recent shift feels somehow different. Part of the difference is the sacred intention I made with the new moon: I am going to practice being in the present moment. An intention that I always have, but because of the energetic confusion I experience with others when there are incomplete psychic, physical, or emotional impressions I need to be more vigilant. Often I get really into thinking about the past or future when it comes to feelings. I can't seem to let go of an expression or energetic exchange or I can sense what will be forthcoming with a person or event. While there is something to be learned from process, it has its limits. I reached mine. Each day, twice a day, upon rising and resting, I clear and ground my energy field. I find any incompletes, ask myself why I am stuck and then do some "The Work" (Byron Katie, Loving What Is) style reflection. I have found that within a few minutes, I have cleared all of the unneeded yaya out of my field and can again think and feel clearly in the present moment. What a relief!

This clarity made room for a deep personal healing this weekend. So beautiful. (More on that in a future posting, I seem to be dwelling in the hard feelings right now.) Now I feel frustration and disappointment. Natural steps along the path. Tenzing Rimpoche calls discomfort an important part of spiritual awakening. I concur, and, of course, am having my momentary objections. It hurts. Trying to carve out a life and livelihood that are congruent with my ecological, spiritual, and social values and (in)vocation is a process, just like the turing of the seasons. Yet, I am impatient and at times, afraid, doubtful. I know that a source of this pain is rooted in home and money. I have yet to find a place where I can truly nest. Where I am now is good for what it is: temporary creative thinking and transition. But it isn't long term, I felt that since I moved here. And, it's not the right price. Studying all the things that are fulfilling my desire to align with my (in)vocation takes a lot of time and, well, money. So far I haven't had luck finding a home that can be both sanctuary, study, and community and nature connection. Or a job or source of abundance that will pay for it.

I am asking a lot, but I keep being told to ask for what I want. I was also told to ask myself why I wanted it. To breathe life into my song? To be a part of the solution? To grow? To feel nurtured and supported? All of it. So I am trying to remain hopeful and thankful, even as the waves of feeling discouraged crest. I am following my heart, cultivating faith, and asking for some luck. Hope some might come my way soon...

Gratefully...