If I were to try to write about the inner landscape of the last week, I'd first have to know where I've been. Someplace, it seems, between breaths. Waking, maybe, but with the lead head of a hang over. Stumbling, drunk on the elixir of mental illusion and attachment. Little deaths and big ones, little lights and false light. Swirling with stars only at night to guide me.
I am screaming, crying, and silent often. So is the road of transmutation.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Sunken
I think I might just start each of these torn pages (from that journal in my head) with "Ebb and flow..." After an incredible period of deep searching and quiet fulfillment in the last few days, and an incredible healing experience, my heart feels low low low. I feel washed up (now I get where the cliche once got its meaning). And then I breathe and sink my feet into the ground. This is truly a trust walk; I feel on the line.
After days of contemplating how to integrate my clairsentience into my livelihood, and really into my life, I began uncovering deeper questions. This initiated a process of transformation. I am finally beginning to take this skill seriously. This includes not constantly feeling at the effect of other people's emotional energy. My boundaries solidified. This, of course, is something I have been working with a long time, especially in my DV and crisis work. This recent shift feels somehow different. Part of the difference is the sacred intention I made with the new moon: I am going to practice being in the present moment. An intention that I always have, but because of the energetic confusion I experience with others when there are incomplete psychic, physical, or emotional impressions I need to be more vigilant. Often I get really into thinking about the past or future when it comes to feelings. I can't seem to let go of an expression or energetic exchange or I can sense what will be forthcoming with a person or event. While there is something to be learned from process, it has its limits. I reached mine. Each day, twice a day, upon rising and resting, I clear and ground my energy field. I find any incompletes, ask myself why I am stuck and then do some "The Work" (Byron Katie, Loving What Is) style reflection. I have found that within a few minutes, I have cleared all of the unneeded yaya out of my field and can again think and feel clearly in the present moment. What a relief!
This clarity made room for a deep personal healing this weekend. So beautiful. (More on that in a future posting, I seem to be dwelling in the hard feelings right now.) Now I feel frustration and disappointment. Natural steps along the path. Tenzing Rimpoche calls discomfort an important part of spiritual awakening. I concur, and, of course, am having my momentary objections. It hurts. Trying to carve out a life and livelihood that are congruent with my ecological, spiritual, and social values and (in)vocation is a process, just like the turing of the seasons. Yet, I am impatient and at times, afraid, doubtful. I know that a source of this pain is rooted in home and money. I have yet to find a place where I can truly nest. Where I am now is good for what it is: temporary creative thinking and transition. But it isn't long term, I felt that since I moved here. And, it's not the right price. Studying all the things that are fulfilling my desire to align with my (in)vocation takes a lot of time and, well, money. So far I haven't had luck finding a home that can be both sanctuary, study, and community and nature connection. Or a job or source of abundance that will pay for it.
I am asking a lot, but I keep being told to ask for what I want. I was also told to ask myself why I wanted it. To breathe life into my song? To be a part of the solution? To grow? To feel nurtured and supported? All of it. So I am trying to remain hopeful and thankful, even as the waves of feeling discouraged crest. I am following my heart, cultivating faith, and asking for some luck. Hope some might come my way soon...
Gratefully...
After days of contemplating how to integrate my clairsentience into my livelihood, and really into my life, I began uncovering deeper questions. This initiated a process of transformation. I am finally beginning to take this skill seriously. This includes not constantly feeling at the effect of other people's emotional energy. My boundaries solidified. This, of course, is something I have been working with a long time, especially in my DV and crisis work. This recent shift feels somehow different. Part of the difference is the sacred intention I made with the new moon: I am going to practice being in the present moment. An intention that I always have, but because of the energetic confusion I experience with others when there are incomplete psychic, physical, or emotional impressions I need to be more vigilant. Often I get really into thinking about the past or future when it comes to feelings. I can't seem to let go of an expression or energetic exchange or I can sense what will be forthcoming with a person or event. While there is something to be learned from process, it has its limits. I reached mine. Each day, twice a day, upon rising and resting, I clear and ground my energy field. I find any incompletes, ask myself why I am stuck and then do some "The Work" (Byron Katie, Loving What Is) style reflection. I have found that within a few minutes, I have cleared all of the unneeded yaya out of my field and can again think and feel clearly in the present moment. What a relief!
This clarity made room for a deep personal healing this weekend. So beautiful. (More on that in a future posting, I seem to be dwelling in the hard feelings right now.) Now I feel frustration and disappointment. Natural steps along the path. Tenzing Rimpoche calls discomfort an important part of spiritual awakening. I concur, and, of course, am having my momentary objections. It hurts. Trying to carve out a life and livelihood that are congruent with my ecological, spiritual, and social values and (in)vocation is a process, just like the turing of the seasons. Yet, I am impatient and at times, afraid, doubtful. I know that a source of this pain is rooted in home and money. I have yet to find a place where I can truly nest. Where I am now is good for what it is: temporary creative thinking and transition. But it isn't long term, I felt that since I moved here. And, it's not the right price. Studying all the things that are fulfilling my desire to align with my (in)vocation takes a lot of time and, well, money. So far I haven't had luck finding a home that can be both sanctuary, study, and community and nature connection. Or a job or source of abundance that will pay for it.
I am asking a lot, but I keep being told to ask for what I want. I was also told to ask myself why I wanted it. To breathe life into my song? To be a part of the solution? To grow? To feel nurtured and supported? All of it. So I am trying to remain hopeful and thankful, even as the waves of feeling discouraged crest. I am following my heart, cultivating faith, and asking for some luck. Hope some might come my way soon...
Gratefully...
Monday, February 12, 2007
Meaning and Myth
After a weekend filled with ebb and flow, I am left with more questions to contemplate.
Where does healing come from?
What does healing mean to me?
Who is a healer?
Just as I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that I am a healer, after much suggestion and support from my community and the Yoniverse, a friend of mine, who I respect tremendously for her integrity and healing presence, said that she really has trouble with the word or identity of healer. At first, upon hearing her say this, I felt a piecing sensation. Was she talking to me? I have always been so mindful of not taking responsibility for the healing that I share in and witness. I have always felt myself as a witness, guide, and medium. We heal ourselves, the Earth heals us. Time heals. Love heals. We heal together. I have had such a dynamic, and often troublesome relationship with the idea of being a healer. I can't escape it and yet I can't own it. And just as I am starting to really let it in, I feel deterred or shaken...
I have fought with the idea of being a healer since I was in my early teens. What is healing? Where does it come from? Who does it? Until recently, I had nowhere to take my questions and there was little in my environment that affirmed my interests. The Mystery had chosen for me a Path that required deep personal healing or Death. I chose to heal.
I am discovering myself daily through this continuing process, and am thankful that I am finally releasing my resistance and going in...
Being a clairsentient empath, it has often felt overwhelming and discouraging. Did I choose this? For many years I thought that I was crazy because I couldn't make sense of the things that I felt, sensed, saw, or intuited. Why was I so sensitive? Where was my place in the world? While I am still discovering the answers to those questions, I no longer wish to questions there validity. So while I completely concur with my friends assertion that healers aren't responsible for the healing of others, that is the domain of the Mystery, the Mother, I do feel that there still needs to be a place for those of us who dedicate ourselves to honoring that process of transformation which brings harmony and wholeness to people, places, and relationships to take refuge and create community. Semantics, yes, but I need to believe that there is room in the world for what the world needs most: healers.
Where does healing come from?
What does healing mean to me?
Who is a healer?
Just as I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that I am a healer, after much suggestion and support from my community and the Yoniverse, a friend of mine, who I respect tremendously for her integrity and healing presence, said that she really has trouble with the word or identity of healer. At first, upon hearing her say this, I felt a piecing sensation. Was she talking to me? I have always been so mindful of not taking responsibility for the healing that I share in and witness. I have always felt myself as a witness, guide, and medium. We heal ourselves, the Earth heals us. Time heals. Love heals. We heal together. I have had such a dynamic, and often troublesome relationship with the idea of being a healer. I can't escape it and yet I can't own it. And just as I am starting to really let it in, I feel deterred or shaken...
I have fought with the idea of being a healer since I was in my early teens. What is healing? Where does it come from? Who does it? Until recently, I had nowhere to take my questions and there was little in my environment that affirmed my interests. The Mystery had chosen for me a Path that required deep personal healing or Death. I chose to heal.
I am discovering myself daily through this continuing process, and am thankful that I am finally releasing my resistance and going in...
Being a clairsentient empath, it has often felt overwhelming and discouraging. Did I choose this? For many years I thought that I was crazy because I couldn't make sense of the things that I felt, sensed, saw, or intuited. Why was I so sensitive? Where was my place in the world? While I am still discovering the answers to those questions, I no longer wish to questions there validity. So while I completely concur with my friends assertion that healers aren't responsible for the healing of others, that is the domain of the Mystery, the Mother, I do feel that there still needs to be a place for those of us who dedicate ourselves to honoring that process of transformation which brings harmony and wholeness to people, places, and relationships to take refuge and create community. Semantics, yes, but I need to believe that there is room in the world for what the world needs most: healers.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
In the making
Anne and I sitting staring at screens. When did moving out to the woods mean mating with your computer? We are designing the first flyer for my Reiki treatments. Luckily, she is a genius with photoshop. I'm making the tea and, well, staring at the screen. My new business cards came today. I pasted the first in the middle of my creatrix chalk board, the place where I mix and stir all of my creative visions and earthly prayers. Although there are moments when I feel so disheartened, as if possibility has up and left me, some wondrous reminder that I am not alone comes from the corner, where it has been all along, reassuring me.
The choices that I am making about my life currently are a statement of deep inner Truth. I am following the song of my heart and finally stepping into what i have know since I was very young: I am a healer.
I move with the living river.
The choices that I am making about my life currently are a statement of deep inner Truth. I am following the song of my heart and finally stepping into what i have know since I was very young: I am a healer.
I move with the living river.
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